By Dr. Dawn Irons, LPC-S, BCPCC

If I had a dime for every time someone, in their frustration, just rolled out the phrase, “That person is such a narcissist,” I would be a very wealthy woman! In fact, I would be debt-free! That says a lot, considering my student loan debt and mortgage. I have to fight the urge to roll my eyes because once you see true, genuine, clinical narcissism in action, the sobering reality of it fundamentally changes you. More than once, I have gently corrected a frustrated friend by saying, “No, ma’am. That is just a terribly irritating person, but not a real narcissist.”
 
What Narcissism is NOT
 
Clinical narcissism is not someone who is just arrogant, boastful, conceited, or ego-centric. It is not merely someone who is openly offensive and simply a jerk. Those are definitely irritating character traits, but they do not complete the profile of a clinical narcissist. Those traits may be present in someone with clinical narcissism, but there are many more criteria to diagnose clinical narcissism. There is a huge difference between traits of narcissism, such as arrogance, and true clinical Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
 
DSM-V-TR Diagnostic Criteria
 
The American Psychiatric Association (APA, 2022) reports that five of nine criteria must be met to diagnose Narcissistic Personality Disorder clinically. The criteria include the following:

• A grandiose sense of self
• A preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
• A belief that he or she is special and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions
• A need for excessive admiration
• A sense of entitlement
• Interpersonally exploitive behavior
• A lack of empathy
• Envy of others or a belief that others are envious of him or her
• A demonstration of arrogant and haughty behaviors or attitudes

 
Narcissistic Abuse
 
According to Dr. Jenni Jacobsen, narcissistic abuse occurs in intimate relationships and includes behaviors such as pathological lying, gaslighting, and distorting their partner’s sense of reality (2023). This distortion of reality (gaslighting) can be experienced by being told by the narcissist, with no evidence, statements such as:

• You are exaggerating
• You are making things up
• You are being crazy
• You are being disrespectful and disloyal to me.

 
An organization called Community Action Stops Abuse (CASA) reports that survivors of narcissistic abuse often experience the following:

• Constant criticism
• Exploitation (emotional, financial, and social)
• Lack of empathy
• Narcissistic manipulation
• Isolation from friends, family, and support networks by the abuser (Beware of dependence on a partner for companionship and security at the expense of friendships, connection with family, and career goals)
• Boundary violations
• Blame shifting
• Being on a constant emotional roller coaster
• Feel like you are walking on eggshells

 
Make no mistake. Narcissistic abuse is a form of domestic violence. (CASA, 2022).
 
                                                      Classic Behaviors in Narcissistic Abuse
 
Love Bombing
            This occurs when the narcissistic abuser showers an abundance of compliments and attention to their partner in an attempt to manipulate and control the partner’s emotions (Jacobsen, 2023).
 
The Silent Treatment
            In an ultimate attempt to punish their partner, the narcissistic abuser will stonewall and refuse to communicate with their partner (Jacobsen, 2023).
 
Gaslighting
            When the narcissistic abuser attempts to manipulate their partner by causing them to doubt their own view of reality, this is the classic manipulative behavior called gaslighting (Jacobsen, 2023).
 
Inducing Jealousy
            To elevate their own sense of importance and self-esteem, narcissistic abusers will create situations that will attempt to cause jealousy in their partner as a sense to gain control over their emotions (Jacobsen, 2023).
 
Devaluation
            To feel they have the upper hand and superiority in the relationship, the narcissistic abuser will frequently devalue their partner by systematically attacking their accomplishments, dismissing their emotions as invalid, and constant criticizing their friends or family members who offer support and strength to the abuser’s victim (Jacobsen, 2023).
 
Blame Shifting
            The narcissistic abuser cannot tolerate ever being seen or perceived as having a flaw. When this occurs, the abuser will immediately begin to shift any perceived blame from them to the victim. I will explain this more deeply in the next section as I describe the blame-shifting technique of DARVO (Jacobsen, 2023).
 
                                                                             What is DARVO?
 
DARVO is an acronym straight out of the narcissistic abuser’s handbook. DARVO stands for:

• Denial
• Attack
• Reverse Victim and Offender

 
A well-played DARVO manipulation leads to the most effective form of gaslighting. It is helpful for those in a relationship with narcissistic abusers to be able to recognize the play once the behavior has started (Fleming, 2023).
 
Denial
 
When a narcissist is accused of wrongdoing, there is typically an adamant denial. They will insist they are not in the wrong. They will go so far as to say things such as “You are overreacting” or “It’s no big deal; calm down.” They will deny that their behaviors have any negative impact on you (Fleming, 2023).
 
Attack
 
When feeling challenged, the narcissist becomes overly aggressive and argumentative. The person suggesting the flaw in the narcissist will become public enemy number one. The narcissist will cast aspersions and doubts such as “Who are you to be questioning me?” They will deny wrongdoing and abusive patterns while minimizing your feelings. The narcissist will attack the person they believe to be accusing them rather than taking personal responsibility for their abusive behaviors. Narcissists will actively work to flip the narrative and make you look like the bad player in the scenario. Abusers will attack the partner’s credibility, character, and motives. Insults, threats, and gaslighting are common weapons in the narcissist’s arsenal of abuse (Fleming, 2023).
 
Reverse Victim and Offender
 
Narcissistic abusers are well-versed in flipping the script to make others perceive themselves as the actual victim, and the true victim to look like the abuser. Abusers will claim to be unfairly judged. They accuse the victim of accusations to cover up their own abusive deeds. This process of shifting blame garners sympathy for the abuser. If the narcissist cannot control the narrative, they will attempt to control how other people view the other person, which inflicts further damage on the victim already experiencing the abuse (Fleming, 2023).
 
Bayu Prihandito, founder of Life Architecture and certified psychology expert, states, “By denying their actions, attacking the person confronting them, and flipping the roles of victim and offender, the narcissist effectively redirects attention away from their own actions, often causing doubt in the victim’s claims.” He goes on to say, “The psychology behind DARVO is rooted in a strong need for self-preservation and control. They will often employ this strategy to protect their ego and maintain their desired self-image at all costs” (Fleming, 2023).
 
                               Using the JADE Strategy to Protect Yourself from Narcissistic Abuse
 
The JADE strategy teaches those in relationships with narcissistic abusers to refuse to engage in the following behaviors:

• Justify
• Argue
• Defend
• Explain

 
These are common behaviors that victims of narcissistic abuse are prone to engage in for validation of their experience. The best move is not to play the game. Refusal to engage, and to disarm the narcissist is the best path forward (Martin, 2018).

The JADE strategy was born out of the Al-Anon 12-step program that warns from engaging in these behaviors.
 
Martin (2018) breaks down the rationale in the following ways:
 
"Justifying. We feel like we have to justify our behavior and choices because it’s very painful for us, as codependents, to have others upset with us. The bottom line is you don’t owe anyone an explanation or reason for your choices. And if you do give one, people who are bullies or narcissists will try to use it against you. Don’t give them this ammunition."

"Arguing. In this context, arguing doesn’t just mean disagreeing (which is a normal part of a healthy relationship), it refers to yelling, name-calling, rehashing the same disagreements repeatedly without resolution, or blaming. This type of arguing doesn’t resolve problems or help you understand others better; it generally creates a bigger wedge between you and others."

"Defending. When you feel attacked, it’s natural to want to defend yourself. And while I wholeheartedly believe in assertively standing up for yourself, you have to know who and what you’re dealing with. Sometimes, verbal attacks are manipulations or ploys to get a rise out of you. They’re part of a recurring destructive pattern to draw you into an argument. Codependents tend to be sensitive, and it’s especially hard for us to choose not to respond or defend ourselves."

"Explaining. We tend to over-explain ourselves because we’re afraid of upsetting others, and we don’t feel it’s valid for us to make our own choices or do things for ourselves. Because we’re very afraid of rejection and criticism, we over-explain ourselves in order to prove that it’s acceptable for us to set boundaries, spend money on ourselves, or even make a mistake (Martin, 2018)."

Martin (2018) shares some responses to help get out of an active DARVO manipulation:

• If you are in an argument with a narcissist who is making threats against you, sometimes the best move is to simply say “ok” and nothing more. This will disarm them as they are expecting you to fight by justifying, arguing, defending, or explaining. Refuse to play the game. Other responses might include, “Thank you for sharing your concern” or “I’ll give that some thought.”
• Maintain boundaries on your own terms
• Maintain emotional stability
• This will protect your self-respect

                                                                               In Summary

Make no mistake: narcissistic abuse is domestic violence. The narcissist is a master manipulator and will use the DARVO manipulation cycle to engage their victims in total chaos that will cause them to doubt their own reality and experiences. Many even doubt their own sanity because the abuser has convinced them they are overreacting or blowing things out of proportion. The most effective survival strategy for victims to become survivors is the JADE strategy. When survivors refuse to JADE (justify, argue, defend, and explain), they regain their power, dignity, and respect and may successfully dismantle the narcissist in action.

It is important for a person experiencing narcissistic abuse to seek professional counseling. There is hope and help available to help you through a recovery process. If you are feeling hopeless and suicidal, please dial the national suicide hotline at 988, and help will be made available.

If you are local to the Denver City and Brownfield communities in Texas, our counselors at Hope Harbor Counseling are ready and willing to assist you. Just stop by our website at www.HopeHarborTX.com and reach out to one of our licensed counselors today.
 
 
                                                                                References

American Psychiatric Association. (2022). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed., revision).

Community Action Stops Abuse. (2022, June 1). Five warning signs of narcissistic abuse. CASA. Retrieved January 9, 2025, from https://www.casapinellas.org/narcissistic-abuse/

Fleming, L. (2023, August 8). How narcissists use DARVO to avoid accountability. Very Well Mind. Retrieved January 9, 2025, from https://www.verywellmind.com/protecting-yourself-from-darvo-abusive-behavior-7562730

Jacobsen, J. (2023, October 26). Narcissistic abuse syndrome. MentalHealth.com. https://www.mentalhealth.com/library/narcissistic-abuse-syndrome

Martin, S. (2018, March 9). Dealings with family members: Don't justify, argue, defend, or explain. Retrieved January 9, 2025, from https://psychcentral.com/blog/imperfect/2018/03/dealing-with-difficult-family-members-dont-justify-argue-defend-or-explain

About the Author

Dr. Dawn Irons, LPC-S, BCPCC is the clinical director of Hope Harbor Counseling in Denver City and Brownfield, Texas. She is also a counselor educator at Liberty University and B. H. Carroll Theological Seminary. Dr. Irons has been married to her husband Dr. Brad Irons since 1991 they have three adult children and one grandchild.